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Just The Best Punchlines… No Jokes Needed

PunchlinesWhy waste time listening to a long-winded joke?
Here are the best punchlines: (How many of the jokes do you know?)

· Finding half a worm.
· Its People! Soylent Green is people!
· Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
· Not enough sand
· I’ll have whatever she’s having!
· I thought you said goat!
· I’m a frayed knot!
· A stick!
· Better Nate than lever!
· How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know
· New Jersey got to choose first.
· so I bit him
· Time to go to the dentist
· First Base!
· I said SOCKET not SPROCKET!
· May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?”
· Officer, you have donut breath!
· He must be fine, he stopped yellin’ yesterday
· Tooth-hurty
· and THAT’s why the angel sits on top of the Christmas Tree
· Elvis Parsley
· I saw the last guy coming back with watermelons!
· My face and yer butt· Dang! I mean your face and my butt! yeah.
· Where did my ice collection disappear to?
· Because 7 ate nine!
· You can tune a piano, but you can’t tune a fish
· Don’t cry, its only a joke!
· Aren’t you glad I didn’t say orange?
· Sure, let me hold your monkey.
· So the Tooth Fairy said “Twenty Bucks, same as in town”
· You know the rules, no arms no cookies.
· OK, you’re ugly too!
· because it is to far to walk
· Wheee!
· then you are a mile away and he has no shoes
· OK, I give up, where’s the boat?
· Why the long face?
· Because it was stapled to the chicken.
· Tomato Paste! (that always cracks me up!)
· So did I. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.
· I’m talking to the dummy!
· Then it would be a chicken sedan!
· FIRETRUCK!
· I guess blond guys aren’t too smart either.
· Those aren’t pillows!
· You can’t use a pitchfork to unload a truckload of bowling balls.
· To get to the second hand shop!
· The Aristocrats!
· Noone expects the Spanish Inquisition!
· “Hey lady,” said the parrot, “You know”
· A Puppy!
· You don’t bury survivors!
· The (Generic Funny Minority) would stop and ask for directions.
· Bubble Gum
· Neither, they both weigh a ton!
· It was all in one string.
· Sitting down.
· It tastes just like a Spotted Owl, your honor.
· I have turtle recall
· Recked ’em? Darn near killed ’em!
· A Penny!
· All of Ken’s stuff.
· silence!
· “Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box”
· It was stapled to the chicken
· Does this taste funny to you?
· Nothing
· You have a sprained finger!
· under where?
· He wanted to see time fly
· “I can tell from here that you’re not eating right!”
· Take my wife, PLEASE!
· 37!
· Time to get a new fence
· A newspaper
· She ran away from the Ball!
· He made his own lunch!
· Will 60 gallons be sufficient?
· You pull the pin and throw it back!
· A beer and a mop!
· I’m pregnant.
· I was talking to the duck

On the other hand, sometimes you need a story to go with the punchline:

A couple years back, there was a stereotypical outcast boy in high school. It was his senior year, and he had never been to a dance with a girl. As the Senior Prom was coming up, he promised himself that he would finally ask a girl to a dance. “He wasn’t going to go through high school without ever going!” he promised himself.

So one day, he awkwardly shuffles up to his crush in the hallway, and mumbles out an invitation to the prom. To his complete surprise and delight, she readily agrees. He was going to the prom! With a girl!

He drives home, and excitedly tells his mom all about it. But wait! He doesn’t know what to do to get ready! So his mom tells him that first, he has to go rent a tuxedo.

He drives to the tuxedo shop, and there’s already a bunch of guys there. The line is huge, and wraps around the building. So he waits in line for hours and hours, but eventually get in, gets fitted, and is sent on his way.

A couple of days before prom, and he’s talking to his date on the phone. She mentions that she always dreamed of taking a limo to prom. A limo! He immediately rushes out to the limo company to see if he can rent one for prom night. There’s a big line inside the lobby. He waits for hours and hours, and finally gets up to the front desk. He’s in luck! He’s able to rent the last limo available.

The day of the prom comes. His mom is helping him get ready, and asks him where the flowers are for his date.

Flowers?!?! He didn’t know he was supposed to get flowers! He rushes out the door, and speeds over to the florist. Oh no! There’s a big line! He waits for a long time, but is able to get the flowers, and rushes back home just in time for the limo to arrive.

That night, he’s on cloud nine. He’s got his tux, his flowers, the limo, and his date. Everything is going well, and they’re dancing, and talking, and laughing. Eventually, they take a break from the dancing, and go to the snack table to grab a bite. His date eats a couple of potato chips, and then starts coughing, then choking!

She needs help! He rushes over to grab her a drink at the punch table…

And thank God, there was no punch line!

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